Foul play

Foul Play


That without which faint heart never won fair maiden: reprehensible of course, but only if one is caught! Most of us, I’m convinced, secretly admire rogues, villains, outlaws, and anyone who does what we don’t dare. Clever adulterers, seducers, and corrupters of those most in need of corruption are especially popular. This chapter is dedicated to them.


“It’s just more than I think I can bear!”
Cried Miss Argyle, “My fanny will tear!”
But so great was his ardour,
He only pressed harder,
And made it with inches to spare!


Cried the maiden, “My lord, you’ve betrayed me!
A dishonest  woman you’ve made me,
And worse still, the shame,
That a woman’s good name
Should be worth that poor pittance you’ve paid me!”


A despicable bounder, called Burton
Of Nell’s ruination made certain,
By forcing upon her
The utmost dishonour,
Then wiping his dick on her curtain!


A young girl , playing cards with the guys,
Pulled her panties down over her thighs;
She had lost her last bet
And, already in debt,
Upped the stakes, with herself as the prize!





Though his motives were plainly inferior,
Slowly the poor girl grew wearier,
Feeling some friction,
Then, stranger than fiction,
She found he was in her interior!





A disgraceful young girl called Louise
Is renowned as a flirt and a tease:
She allows men to think
That she’s poised on the brink,
And then tells them she has a disease!


So extreme was the young fellow’s lust
And so deep and so forceful his thrust,
That the double bed broke,
Yet he ceased not to poke,
Though the lady concerned was concussed!


An unscrupulous bastard called Bill
Corrupts innocent girls for a thrill,
Then he casts them aside,
Though he’s hurt them inside,
When he’s bored and he’s quite had his fill.


Understandably peeved, poor Miss Pickett
Exclaimed “No! That’s simply not cricket!
You can’t have your way,
And then call end of play,
Leaving me with a damp, sticky wicket!”


The Officers’ Mess

Through his Cuban cigar, over port,
The old Colonel complained with a snort:
“My wife wants it on top!
We men must call a stop,
And make women behave as they ought!”

Said old Major Brown, “Jolly good show!
It’s debasing to fuck from below!
We must take it to court:
Women have to be taught
What they should, if they don’t, bloody know!”

Said the Captain, “It’s, after all, sport:
Woman’s role’s to be chased till she’s caught!
A root’s just not a root
Without headlong pursuit,
Not unless it’s expensively bought!”

From the Sergeant, by way of retort,
Was heard “Balderdash! None of the sort!
I belong to that school
Which says man’s but a fool,
If he buys what he might have for nought!”

Said the Major, “I’ve just had a thought,
For the perils with which sex is fraught.
We have all had the pox
From some upper class box:
I myself have a large penile wart!”

At this last, said the Colonel, “Aha!
We’re perhaps better off as we are:
I’m too old for the hunt,
Be it fox, boar or cunt!
I suggest we return to the bar.”


If you tickle her tummy, Miss Quigley
Gets squeaky and squealy and giggly.
Tickle her fancy,
She gets antsy-pantsy
And breathless and red-faced and wriggly.


She gave always a ready reception
To boys with their own contraception:
A thin piece of plastic,
Held on with elastic,
Sufficed, but was cruel deception!


If you feed Katie one or two rums,
Her extreme sensibility numbs:
Just another few sips,
And a touch of your lips,
Then her tenuous virtue succumbs!


An uncaring seducer called Sandy
Plies women with whisky and brandy:
It’s very reliable,
Makes them more pliable:
Better than flowers and candy!



In the slush and the wind-driven snow,
With the temperature fourteen below,
Knelt the match-girl, so numb,
That the prick in her bum,
She felt no more than if she’d said no.

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