Medical limericks

Aortic stenosis

One’s pulse may become anacrotic,
Which doesn’t mean quaint or quixotic;
It means that you’re ill,
You can tell by the thrill,
And your poor old aorta’s stenotic.


Analgesic nephropathy

A young housewife who ate APCs
And whose kidneys have died by degrees,
Lives on haemodialysis
And sends for analysis
Whatever, whenever she pees.



An age-old enigma has been
Whether kidneys came first or the bean;
In answer the best is
They both look like testis,
The description of which is obscene.



There’s a drug from the plant bouganvillia
Which alters your internal milieu;
Take it in tea
And you’ll publicly pee,
Take your clothes off, or something far sillier!


Transillumination of breast lumps 

Any girl with a lump in her breast,
Perhaps found when said breast is caressed,
If it shrinks from the light,
Though the thought turn her white,
Should, by rights , get the thing off her chest.



There was a young lady from Burma
Whose breasts became firmer and firmer,
Her skin, too, was tight,
And her hands were a fright;
The poor lass, alas, had scleroderma.



One should not undertake circumcision,
Except with the utmost precision;
A negligent slip
Of the knife round the tip
Leaves one precious small chance of revision!



An old woman, confined to her cot,
Then developed a bit of a clot,
Or I should say, thrombosis,
And which, I suppose, is
The reason her lung’s in this pot.


Pediculosis pubis

Should you harbour the dreaded crab-louse,
From a visit to some sinful house,
See your local GP,
Who’ll prescribe DDT,
For yourself and your mistress and spouse.



It seems to me plainly deducible,
One’s hernia may be reducible,
Yet nevertheless
Make one’s sex life a mess;
It does make one so much less seducible.



Given time we all get diverticula,
In lower large bowel, in particular.
They’re also in bladder,
In men who once had a
Large prostate. They’re never testicular.



On percussion, a man from Estonia
Was found to sound stonier and stonier;
First an innocent shiver,
Then lungs turned to liver,
They diagnosed lobar pneumonia.


Subclavian steal syndrome

I was just reaching out for a feel,
To see if her bosom was real;
I’d just gotten hold,
When I fainted, out cold!
I’d been struck by subclavian steal.


Atrial fibrillation

If one’s heart’s prone to fast fibrillation,
Erotic or lewd titillation
Is out of the question,
As well as congestion
Of organs, by hand or fellation.


Stool examination

If you’re one of those misguided fools
With a perverse obsession with stools,
If you must prod and sniff,
Then it’s preferable if
You at least wait until the stuff cools.



The world of the ocular fundus
Is eighth of the natural wonders;
It’s only plain prudence
For medical students
To know of things in there that stunned us.

Though your sightseeing tour be brisk,
Skirt the edges, it’s well worth the risk;
See the much-discussed macula,
Though not spectacular;
Certainly, don’t miss the disc!


Ocular foreign bodies

If perchance you are caught in a gust
And your eye is insulted by dust,
Although God knows it’s tryin’
Thank God it ain’t iron,
Which tends to get in there and rust.


Obstetrics and gynaecology

Oh the joys of the old obs and gynae!
The lovely introitus vaginae,
The labia minor,
That frame the vagina,
The whole thing, rosaceous and shiny!


The spewing of blood, haematemesis,
Has long been the scourge and the nemesis
Of nervous dyspeptics
Despite certain sceptics,
And patrons of pubs (licenced premises.)



When it comes to the dread halitosis,
The reason, I’m led to suppose, is
Neglect of the gums
Or the licking of bums
Or else tonsillar lymphoid necrosis.



When your blood pressure starts to get high,
As it may, without telling us why,
It will wear out your heat,
You may bleed when you fart,
And one day unexpectedly die!


Cerebral infarction

A theatrical lady called Iris
Contracted a serious virus;
She screamed, crossed her eyes,
Clutched her breast, splayed her thighs
And infarcted her cingulate gyrus!


Behcet’s Syndrome

There’s a disease going round Istanbul,
Which I mean to describe here in full;
It affects, just between us,
The eyes, mouth and penis
Of Ahmed, Hassim and Abdul.

They have terrible ulcers and sores,
Which were caught, they had thought from the whores,
But it’s since been decided,
Their doctor confided,
That Behcet’s disease is the cause.

They all have a leucocytosis,
And Ahmed’s developed a ptosis;
Hassim spends all day
Eating charcoal and clay,
And Abdul has a sort of psychosis.

There’s trouble as well with their eyes,
For their retinal vessels leak dyes;
They have large joint arthritis
And thrombophlebitis;
Their gangrenous feet attract flies.


Intrauterine devices

An imprudent young girl used a key
As a do-it-yourself IUD,
And with this poor immunity,
Screwed with impunity;
George, her small son, is now three.



By surgeon, what’s commonly meant
Is a dextrous, meticulous gent,
Who applies to one’s skin
Objects pointed and thin,
With presumed therapeutic intent.


Involutional melancholia

Involutional-type melancholia
Often turns old ladies holier,
Dreaming of nights
Of forbidden delights,
“Neath their parents’ old oak or magnolia.


Torn meniscus

My friend, Lucy has torn a meniscus,
Through throwing the hammer and discus;
She also takes drugs,
And it hurts when she hugs;
She’s a muscular lady, with whiskers.


Honeymoon cystitis

Her urgent and hot micturition
Her doctor put down to coition;
To lessen the trauma
He said keep it warmer,
And ordered a change of position.


Lung cancer

If you suffer from excess mitosis,
Dyspnoea, clubbed fingers and ptosis,
Take whisky all day,
in the usual way,
And who knows? You might die of cirrhosis.



For one fit of lust, though paroxysmal,
The poor fellow’s life was made dismal;
For this he can thank her,
His primary chancre,
And aortic arch aneurysmal.


Penile prosthesis

If your organ of pleasure’s prosthetic,
Of plastic or other synthetic;
Take care when you use it,
And never abuse it;
Be active, but not energetic!


Varicose veins

A young vascular surgeon would sigh
When his mistress’s body was nigh,
For her nightie, diaphenous,
Showed the long saphenous
Varicose vein on her thigh.



Poor Hilda Jones has a strabismus,
But worse still has bad vaginismus.
She doesn’t mind morally
Doing it orally,
Though she has terrible trismus!


Medical students

A certain young medical student
Was thought by his colleagues too prudent;
A lady from Med
Stretched her length on his bed,
And said “Please, if you would,” but he wouldn’t!



Your pampiniform plexus is such
It may feel like worms to the touch;
Then your testis may shrink
As it does when you drink
For too long, or perhaps just too much.


Mitral stenosis

When your apex beat’s nought but a tap,
And your first sound is loud, like a slap,
Your diastoles rumble,
Your pulse is a jumble,
Your mitral valve parts with a snap!



If afflicted with genital thrush,
Try an old-fashioned  vinegar flush;
If the itch is exquisite,
When friends come to visit,
Scratch boldly, don’t fidget or blush!


The vagus nerve

The deliciously sensitive tragus
In part’s innervated by vagus,
And this is, of course,
The most probable source
Of untimely erections which plague us!


Torsion of the testis

When one’s testis develops a torsion,
The whole ball, or only a portion,
Take this delicate gland
In the palm of your hand,
And proceed to a surgeon with caution.


Pediculosis pubis 2

It detracts from the fun of one’s vice
If the lady sets too high a price,
Or if some nasty bitch
Makes one’s genitals itch
With a dose of the dreaded crab-lice


Sexually transmitted diseases

Other people’s small parts may drip pus,
With a lot of concomitant fuss;
It’s a nuisance, of course,
Which engenders remorse
In those poor folk concerned (never us!)


Orthopaedic surgery

A surgeon of some reputation
Fell foul of intense litigation;
An innocent slip
Made a right below hip
Of a left below knee amputation.



It’s a dreadful contagious thing, scabies;
You’ll get it, no ifs, buts or maybes,
From being too close
To a girl with a dose,
Who may also have herpes and tabes.


Candidiasis 2

There’s an awful infection called thrush,
Which makes sufferers constantly blush,
When they’re driven to scratch
In the depths of their thatch,
With a fingernail, chopstick or brush.


Ruptured disc

At the act of love, be not too brisk,
and at all times, beware of the risk;
Indiscriminate fucking,
With kicking and bucking,
May cause one to rupture a disc.



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